One of those moments when I sad and feel hopeless and everything seems pointless. Almost like I just want to sleep but I’m not tired like that, maybe I’m not tired at all and I’m just done with something but if I am I don’t know what it is.
Sometimes I feel like this for no reason, sometimes it’s a crept up memory, I don’t know. Is this what trama is? Or is it just over thinking? I’ve never seen myself as some poor sad victim always just someone with a shitty past. Period.
I don’t really know what I’m talking about, just sad. Like I want to just pick something and change it but I can’t wait for it, or tell my dad how wrong he is, or go back to Waynesboro and try to fix it’s problems.
Because something inside me wants to believe it will make things about what happened to me better.
Which is silly and ridiculous, nothing I do can change the things that have happened to me. The things I remember, the things that I don’t, and the things that just haven’t happened yet. Maybe I’m jaded? Like I said, sometimes I just feel like this, it’ll pass.
It’s just getting harder and harder to care. About anything. I don’t know why, my life isn’t any significantly shittyer than a few weeks or even a few months ago. It’s unsettling when this happens, it turns my head upside down for a few hours or sometimes days and it’s never really something I bring up to people because I don’t know why I’m like this or how to talk about it.
Sometimes I feel sick, like this whole upside down head thing makes me feel physically sick sometimes. Almost like I ate something not fully made right. And that just makes it more weird because I don’t know how to take that, is it even normal?
And why do I have to be so obsessed with normality? And fear being perceived less then it? Yea for people that know me I’m not normal but that’s not what I mean. I mean like being able to tell what’s wrong with me goes a little further than what I want to talk about or tell anyone when I’m not even sure what I mean by that. Like I said, I get like this sometimes. I just have to hope it passes like it always does.